Day 339: Dye My Hair

     I guess you could say that I'm reinventing myself. I mean, first the (attempted) afro and now this, soon I'll have to come up with an alter ego to match my new look. My friend Kevin tried talking me into dying my hair a couple days before but I chickened out. But today, I manned up and bought a package of woman's black hair dye. It was a fairly straight forward process; we mixed some chemicals, lathered them in my hair, and let it sit for 20 minutes before running a rinse cycle. Unfortunately, I must have skipped the part of the instructions where it warns you about the consequences of getting the hair dye all over your forehead and neck. I looked in the mirror after washing the out excess dye and was surprised to find that most of my forehead and neck were stained black as well. It took a great while of scrubbing to get most of it off, but that's just the price ya have to pay for beauty these days.

Day 338: Afro

     They said I couldn't do it. They said I'd just embarrass myself. They, being Kevin and Mouse, refused to believe that someone like me could actually do it. Sadly, both Kevin and Mouse were right. I'm talking of course about when I said that I was going to adopt the afro as my new look. They thew out semantics like "Your hair has no curl" and "But you're so pasty and white, why would you even want one?". I ignored their hater-aid sipping attitudes and bought myself an afro-pick anyways. I was picking aimlessly at my soon-to-be-fro before I even reached the parking lot, good start. I took some tips and used a couple strategies, but my hair wouldn't cooperate. Even rubbing vigorous little circles in my scalp with the palm of my hand (I guess that's how you get dreads) did nothing. I just had a freshly combed head of hair, which is pretty good too. But don't think that this is over, oh no, not by a long shot. Once I have super long, luscious hair, I'm gonna get it permed so I can finally achieve the afro headpiece.

Day 337: Muscle Building Folklore

Forgot to grind them nuts

        Legend has it (well, some folklore website I found), that a mixture of milk and finely grounded pistachios, almonds, and poppy seeds is the golden ticket to midieval muscle growth. Now, I know what you're thinking, "But Kyle, you're such a beefcake already". Don't worry, your concerns and kind words have not fallen upon deaf ears. I'll do my best to refrain from ripping my shirt when I flex, you have my word, I'll keep my pecs hidden.
     So I tried the mixture, and there's not much to say. It was just a glass of milk, with some nuts floating around in there. To be exact, there were 2 almonds, 5 pistachios, and a teaspoon of poppy seeds that had been soaking in the glass of milk (I don't have many details on the milk. It probably came from a cow or somethin) for an hour. Drinking it was pretty uneventful, but not bad.

     I haven't noticed any growth on the ol' triceps (wherever the hell that is) yet, but that's probably a good thing. I wouldn't want to intimidate people with my testosterone induced body any more than I already do.
     To get familiar with some old school remedies, click here

Dinner

Day 336: Email God

     As you may know, I have recently started my own religion. It's been a slow process getting it going, so I enlisted the help of someone that I think can help me out. I decided to take my questions up to the big man himself, God.
     As it turns out, I'm not the only guy that's trying to get in touch with the 'guy upstairs', there's quite a few websites that Google turned up that specialize in sending emails to God. I picked a site called sendemailtogod.com (I liked the ring of it). Here's what I wrote:

     

     "Hey God, whats up?

I'm Kyle, but you probably know that. In fact -if you're real- then you know everything, including the reason why I'm typing this very e-mail. I bet you get so annoyed with people all over the world that reiterate their trials and tribulations into your all-knowing ears. So I'll do my best to  refrain from stating the obvious.

     As you obviously know (sorry), I'm not a believer (sorry again). So much so that I recently decided to start my very own religion. I tried to make it as ethically sound as possible, but I still think I could use some pointers. I've got all the major kinks taken care of so far. But it would really help me out if you would let me in on any helpful advice you might have about your experience being an all-knowing deity. I'm pretty new at being God so any advice is good advice. Thanks a lot big man!"

Day 335: Use Aftershave

     Ya wanna know what's manly? Aftershave, that's what. It was only a matter of time till someone as grown-up as I am would be introduced to the stuff. I was told that aftershave makes your beard grown slower, and with facial hair like this, I guess I could use it (So a search on Yahoo answers informed me that aftershave does not slow the growth of facial hair at all. In fact, all it does is clean out cuts so they don't get infected and make you smell like a pine forest). Even though the aftershave myth was debunked, I still wanted to try it.
     I used this stuff called Brut, cause that's totally my demographic and everything. It smelt like a pine tree air freshener that had been saturated in rubbing alcohol, just the way I like it. It didn't burn like I assumed it would, but I guess that just means that I'm officially a man now. Now I'm clean shaven and smellin' good (well, if you're into it), time to hit the town like a man.

Day 334: Carve A Wooden Sculpture

     To try and take my mind off the poopiness that is winter in Colorado, I rummaged through the garbage in my basement to see what I could find. What I found was an old 2X4. I was checkin' it out when I remembered that Mouse had left his jigsaw in my room from when we were building those cigar box guitars (which I've finished! Here's a picture of the first one).
   
















It was obvious what my evening had in store; I was going to get into the wood carving game. I had never used a jigsaw before, but that wasn't going to stop me (or get me to read the instructions for that matter). I wanted to sculpt a perfect sphere, but after a few minutes of blind carving, it was apparent that that wasn't going to happen. My "sphere looked more like a whale head than anything, so I shifted gears and started sculpting my whale.

     When I started, I was aiming for a very rough rendition of a whale. I wanted anything that even remotely resembled a whale (like a swollen cow or something). When I was done cutting, I liked it enough to paint it. I even cut out a wooden chunk that would be the discharge from his blowhole (it sounds worse than it really is). So what began as a spur of the moment craft idea turned into something much more involved. Fun times indeed!

Aint he cute?

Day 333: Eat An Astronaut Dinner

     I thought that I'd start preparing for my new job as an astronaut by getting used to the lifestyle. I went out and bought me a bag of freeze dried blueberry and granola mix, and a package of freeze dried ice cream to get me started on a moon-walker's diet. Although NASA has yet to hire me (or even call me back), I haven't lost hope. Once they realize how great of a space cadet I would be, they'll be begging me to join them and I'll my stomach will already be adjusted to space food (Ya hear that NASA? I've got great strategic skills too).
     The meal was super easy to make; just add water and stir, and it really didn't taste bad either. If I didn't know better, I would've sworn that I was just eating a soggy batch of blueberry granola. The room-temperature ice cream was good too. It was warm and completely dry and reminded me a lot of cotton candy as I ate it. I'd say it was a pretty successful dinner.

     Now on to bigger and better astronaut related challenges; I think I'll try peeing without gravity or something