#411- Anxiety

     You may have noticed a change in my regular posting schedule. Instead of posting sporadically every three months or so, I've slipped a bit and am now aiming towards the whatever, I'll get there if I get there sort of pace. Some recent life developments are to blame (or credit, depending on how much you like these sort of rants). The first of which are all of the brown moving boxes that have taken over the living room of my apartment in preparation for a move. The second is the spring semester of school I started. They're both exciting in their own way if you squint hard enough, but both will be major sources of boredom or backaches too.

     Anyways, the reason I'm making an appearance at all is to talk about a newfound obsession in my life. See recently, it's come to my attention that I am an anxious person. This news may feel underwhelming to someone with the benefit of not being me, but let me tell you, this discovery has kind of shaken me up.
     News of my anxiety came as such a shock to me because had always thought of myself as an adventurous guy. Hell, I'm the guy who started this very blog to document the adventures I was having. Even after my attempts to stroke my own ego, I began to feel the rumblings of something very unsettling.
     The first year of noticalbe anxiety was a lot like a connect-the-dots picture. Anxious episodes were like dots scattered throughout my weeks and months, often small and seemingly insignificant. Sometimes I would feel cloudy, other times I would be preoccupied with an ineffably sour feeling. But most often it would simply be too difficult to muster up the motivation to get up and do something. It was only once I took a step back that I could see how the dots connected to form a web of anxiety closing in on me.
     Things got really bad at one point in time. I felt trapped in the most peculiar situations. I would lose actual sleep dreading the thought of having to drive a car, or go shopping, or even ride in an elevator. I found myself crumbling under the anxiety at times too. I rerouted my commute to avoid even sparse traffic, I would forgo groceries in order to avoid sweaty hands, and I'd spend my weekends laying around watching TV so I wouldn't have to leave my apartment. Aside from work and the occasional skate session, I felt housebound.
     I assume if you know me, even a little bit, then you wouldn't peg me as an anxious person. Even while I was busy rerouting commutes, I was convincing myself that I was the same adventurous guy as before. In fact, I hear that most anxious people go virtually unnoticed.
     In the past three years or so that anxiety has noticably affected my life, I've made some progress that I'm proud of. Here are three things that I think are worth a quick shoutout if you're feeling anxious:

1) Meditation and Mindfulness-
Meditation has been a staple of my day for over two years now. It's helped me accept and even appreciate some less flattering aspects of myself. Most importantly, I think meditating has helped me reestablish my relationship with anxiety. Anxious thoughts are still present, but I don't always respond like I once did. But sometimes I still do, old habits die hard.

2) Journaling-
Frustrated? Write about it.
Happy? Write about it.
Whatever you're feeling, write about it. A journal is a nice reminder that what you're going through will not last forever. Good or bad, it will pass.

3) Some really good books-
I've become infatuated with the subject of positive psychology and mindfulness. Here's some ones I've enjoyed:

Dare Barry by Mcdonagh

Waking Up by Sam Harris

Advice Not Given by Mark Epstein

The Headspace Guide to Meditation by Andy Puddicombe

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert

When by Daniel H. Pink (great for habit formation)

10% Happier and Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics (by Dan Harris and Jeff Warren)

The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh

I don't know if anything you read here will be of any value to you. I figure that it can hurt. We spend so much time pretending to be perfect versions of ourselves that our actual selfs may feel neglected. My hope is that I can make an effort to be more of myself and not just the parts I'm proud of.

Day 405: Meditation

     I know, I know. I can tell what you're going to say (just kidding, nobody reads this). You're gonna say "But Kyle, haven't you already tried meditation before?" Well first off, good job, you're very attentive. I did in fact try meditation way back on day 105. I probably looked up a YouTube video or something and closed my eyes and pretended to follow along. This, is not that.
     As part of this year's resolution, I have taken time out of each day to practice meditating. Some days for 10 minutes, while others for up to an hour. Sometimes guided (usually guided) and sometimes not. I've picked up some books on the subject and have reached past the yogi threshold, past the point of no return.
     By far, the hardest part of beginning this practice, has been getting over my own perceptions and assumptions. Sitting quietly, looking inward, these are not easy habits to instill, but they're even harder habits to explain to others. Or at least I feared they might be. In all honesty, whenever the subject of mindfulness came up I was met with nothing but curiosity and remarks like "I've always wanted to try". So once I got out of my own way, the actual act of meditating was surprisingly easy. I sat, and watched my breath. And each time my thoughts pulled me away from my focus of my breath, I'd gently (not always gently in the beginning) return back to the breath. That's it.
     The process is simple, but that's not to say it is easy. For the first month, I couldn't go more than two breaths without getting caught up in some sort of train of thought. I'd spend the entire time returning to my breath and leave feeling like I had wasted my morning. But with some more practice, and a lot of really solid advice from some books, I've (very slowly) started to make some progress.
     I'm still nowhere near mastering my inner mind (and from what I can tell, that's not going to happen), but I do have to admit that there is a noticeable difference I can feel since starting 93 days ago. Not to say I'm cured of anxiety, or self-doubt, or any of the other human emotions we're all plagued to feel, just that now, I have and awareness of them. They're nothing more than thoughts and feelings.
     Even the difference I notice after taking time to focus on the breath is worth the time. I feel calm and grounded, and I find myself looking forward to the next time I can slow down.

If you would like to learn more, here are some great places to start:

Day 268: Practice Mindfulness

All of Google's meditation pictures were
too corny, so I used this cute pic of
a penguin. Enjoy.

     This is one of those weirdo meditation experiences I tried. By definition, mindfulness is the trait of staying aware of (paying close attention to) your responsibilities. It's got a lot to do with the whole "right brain" lifestyle. It's basically and exercise that helps you to "live in the now". Try to become more aware of your surroundings and the perception of your world. It deals with sensations like smell and touch. I tried it and thought that it was pretty cool actually. Many of the videos encouraged me to observe sensations that I was already experiencing so I could really enjoy them. It was weird, but I think I liked it.