Day 316: Nipple Cream

     I've found that these hippie dippie stores that I've been checking out lately are chock full of weirdo goohazz (just made it up) for me to try. I was roaming through one earlier tonight and was having trouble picking out something good. Luckily, an employee saw me perusing the isles for some time and asked if I was looking for something in particular. I explained to her that I was looking for a gag gift for a friend of mine (I didn't want to fess up myself, that's too pathetic). I asked if she knew of a product that was just "Out there" I wanted this gag gift to knock his socks off. The weirder the better. She pondered the question for a sec, then she said "Nipple cream!" as her expression lit up in excitement. I followed her down the maze of isles to a desk that sat right next to the employee's break room. She fished out a large plastic tub that was jam-packed with all sorts of goodies. "They send us so many free samples" she said, "We don't even know what to do with most of them". I watched as she shuffled through the bucket of organic diet pills and environmentally friendly floss. Finally, she nicked a couple nipple cream packets and a tube of nasal spray (which wasn't asked for and  made me a little self conscious, do I sound nasally?) for me. I took a quick peek at the cream packets. The instructions said that the product is used to heal "sore, cracked nursing nipples" (shivers* what-an-image). From what I got from it, it seems like this is basically chapstick for your nipples. It occurred to me that I don't need chapstick on my nipples, but I figure that a good defense couldn't hurt. I mean, winter is coming fast, and my nipples are sitting ducks at the moment.

Nipple Dance

     This was good, I got my new thing (a pretty interesting one too), and I got it (plus some nasal spray) for free. I went home and ripped off my shirt and immediately felt totally awkward. I applied a layer of the cream onto their designated areas. That's about when I started asking myself "Why do boys even have nipples?" and that only led to the bigger and more controversial side of life's questions.

     And that brings you up to speed. As I type this very sentence, my nipples are being protected from a the side effects of nursing with a cream of virgin olive oil, beeswax and shea butter. My nipples may feel protected and rejuvenated, but for some reason, I feel like I should be ashamed of myself.